


Who I Was Has Disappeared

by kuumai



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Miscommunication, Post-Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-01-31 13:31:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18592225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuumai/pseuds/kuumai
Summary: "His throat still felt tight, so he tried to relax his muscles, stretching his back and arms. He tried something he hadn’t allowed in a long time; he assured himself that it was okay to cry if he needed to. He was by himself. No one would see.But despite how his eyes burned and how emotion bubbled like lava deep in his chest, nothing came of it.He collapsed onto the bed. Sleep came surprisingly quickly."Keith returns to Team Voltron, quarrels with Lance, and begins to trust.





	1. Prologue

Keith’s oxygen levels were dropping precariously low.

This had happened before, on a different mission with the Blade of Marmora, hadn’t it? Kolivan had been quite upset with him after he got out of that one. He was hit with a sense of deja vu so strong that it would have been funny if he wasn’t also currently in danger of dying.

To give some context, he had been on a mission to gather intel on the whereabouts of the ‘weapon’ Krolia had released, as if Krolia didn’t already know more than she let on. It felt almost too calm and uncomplicated at first. Kolivan had been surprisingly not-too-angry at Keith following that fiasco. His thoughts on Krolia, however, were a different story. 

The mission had gone smoothly. Snuck onto the ship with no problem. Found a database with no problem. But Keith was apparently physically unable to get through a mission without something going wrong, so naturally he had to give away their location. Then, somewhere along the line he’d gotten himself launched into open space with some sort of problem with his oxygen tank. Classic Keith.

His pulse was picking up the pace, and his breaths were coming fast. It was out of his control but irritating nonetheless, because it was not as if he had a lot of oxygen to spare.

Okay, Keith, focus.

There was a medium-sized ship quite a distance away; that was his out. His fellow blades were likely already there. If he didn’t get there quickly they would leave without him. He pushed against a piece of debris near him and willed his jetpacks to carry him further and faster. 

He was feeling miffed. They hadn’t even managed to find anything very important in the short amount of time they spent on the ship before Keith stupidly got them caught. Just a few routes of various supply ships that Pidge and Matt likely already knew of.

Pidge. The Castle of Lions. Voltron.

No, focus!

The ship seemed farther than Keith had originally thought. He could feel himself become breathless and dizzy and less aware, but his muscles buzzed with adrenaline as he continued to push forward.

The Galra supply ship they had been on was loading an ion cannon. The blades’ escape ship needed to move. Keith needed to move. 

A small clock ticked down in the corner of Keith’s vision, telling him the planned departure time. He had just under a minute.

The cannon made a whining sound signalling that it was nearly ready to fire.

30 seconds.

Keith wished he could move faster.

20 seconds.

And then the timer displayed on his visor disappeared and his escape ship made the retreat.

Keith stopped. Somehow the shock of it all prevented any panic from settling into his stomach just yet. Of course they had to leave a few seconds early; if they hadn’t, the ship would’ve been shot out of the sky. He took in the situation and tried to develop a plan B. It was fine; he could do this. 

The canon on the Galra ship fired once into the distance, missed the escape ship by a large margin, and withdrew. The automated defense systems would register Keith as a bit of debris thanks to his armor’s heat masking abilities. And the Galra ship began to continue on its planned course.

Keith’s vision blurred. He tried to fly back towards the ship and find a way to board it. He’d at least be able to breath there. A warning about his lack of oxygen flashed in his face, as if he couldn’t already tell. It proclaimed the exact percent levels and an estimated time remaining before he ran out, but the numbers quickly ran together. 

He wouldn’t make it back onto that ship.

At least he wouldn’t have to witness Kolivan getting upset with him this time. 

A relatively large piece of shrapnel that had detached from a small fighter jet passed into his waning range of vision. Maybe a wing. Keith clung to it, and though he couldn’t feel the cold metal through his suit, he didn’t have to imagine the cold, numb feeling in his fingertips. He recalled learning that after he ran out of air, he would pass out, then he would live for a few minutes after. He couldn’t remember where he knew this from. 

Keith’s eyelashes fluttered, and he wondered if he really was going to die out here, all alone in the wide expanse of space.

It was almost fitting.

He did feel a bit of annoyance, though.

He thought of Thace, Ulaz, Antok, Regris. There were so many people who sacrificed themselves so Keith could be where he was today, and now he suffocating to death entirely of his own fault.

He thought of each fight in the red lion…and then the black lion…and then when he’d nearly crashed his ship into those shields to stop the witch from blowing up—what was it—half of the galaxy? His mind was growing fuzzy.

Yeah…all those moments he could have died to save the universe, yet here he was, about to die in the middle of nowhere just because he’d messed up an intel gathering mission.

With all that had happened in his life so far, it was scarily appropriate that he was by himself in this moment. In the end, he would always end up alone. 

Then a blinding light exploded across his vision. 


	2. Homecoming

Pidge fixed her glasses upon her nose as her eyes tracked Lotor. The prince was motioning to a digital map and telling them of what exactly he and Allura had found on Oriande.

Lance added, “And, most importantly, any fine Altean ladies to meet?”

“There were no beings living on the planet,” Lotor responded in an even tone, not quite catching Lance’s joking tone.

Pidge gave Lance a look. “ _Lance_.”

“C’mon, Pidge, you know you love me.” Lance winked and blew an overdramatic kiss in her direction. Pidge folded her arms and rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t help the smile that tugged at her lips.

Lotor turned away from the map and continued, “As I was saying, though Commanders Trugg and Ladnok are out of the picture, we cannot be entirely sure where skirmishes might show up.”

Lance spoke up again. “Ah, the other pretty Galra ladies. They were the ones that Kolivan told us about, right? With the weapon thing?”

Without looking away from Lotor, Shiro said, “We’re having a serious conversation.”

Lance lifted his hands in a defensive gesture. “It was a serious question."

Shiro’s lips pressed into a thin line, but he didn’t push further. Pidge could almost physically feel the tension between the two.

“As you were saying, Lotor?” Allura prompted.

“Thank you, princess.” Lotor looked back at the map and continued, “We cannot be sure where skirmishes might show up, so I cannot shirk my duties as the new emperor. Nevertheless, it would be best to continue on with the plan as soon as possible.”

Lance blew out a harsh breath. “I know it’s a little late to say this, but I was thinking that there could be some problems with, you know, unleashing unlimited quintessence into the universe.”

Lotor raised an eyebrow but stayed silent, so Lance carried on. “It would fix the problem of everyone fighting over the limited amount we do have, but people could still, like, get addicted to it. We know what prolonged exposure to quintessence did to Zarkon. And maybe Honerva.”

Pidge caught Allura giving Lotor a look, and Lotor visibly tensed.

Shiro squeezed his eyes shut. “Lance, I appreciate your input, but Lotor has infinitely more expertise in this area. I say we do as he says.”

Lance stiffened. “Okay, you can’t say you appreciate my input but, like, not actually listen to me at all.”

Shiro opened his eyes to glare at Lance. “I’m not in the mood for you to talk back to me. If you’re going to act like this, I’d rather you not be here.”

Lance met Shiro’s eyes and stood his ground. Pidge raised her eyebrows and made eye contact with Hunk across the room.

A few silent seconds passed.

Any moment now, Lance would laugh it off or defend himself or sulk and silently glare at Shiro for the rest of the meeting. Pidge was certainly not expecting it, however, when Lance finally stepped away from Shiro, said “Okay,” and walked out of the room.

Pidge watched the doors slide close behind Lance and then glanced back at Hunk. He looked as though he wanted to say something about it but was intimidated to speak up. Pidge understood the feeling. She saw Lotor look at Allura before he cleared his throat and continued what he had been saying.

 

 

 

 

Keith didn’t remember passing out, but he must have because he suddenly found himself on the floor of a small ship, gasping. He was hit with a wave of dizziness as his lungs filled with the much needed air. He looked up and tried to focus his eyes as he breathed in deeply. There crouching over him was—

“Krolia,” Keith croaked.

“You’re alive,” she commented.

“Yeah,” Keith replied, though he didn’t feel entirely certain of that fact himself. The universe really didn’t want him dead, it seemed. He clenched and unclenched his fists against the metal floor of the ship, trying to get the feeling to return to them. Then, after a second: “How many times will you have to save my skin?” He said it quietly, almost to himself, but Krolia responded anyways.

“As many times as it takes.”

Keith smiled a little as he recalled saying the same to Shiro.

Because that’s what family does.

His smile disappeared, the thought stinging him. He wasn’t sure why.

Krolia stood up and turned away to return to the front of the ship. “You can tell me what you were doing out there later.”

“Yeah,” Keith said again, shortly.

Krolia was like him in that she was one of few words. It was nice not to feel pressured to talk. Keith liked to be able to take his time with words. It made it easier to avoid saying something stupid.

Realizing he was still sprawled across the floor, he pushed himself up into a sitting position and squeezed his eyes shut for a second to stall the dizziness.

After a quiet minute, Keith said slowly, “That wasn’t the first time I was launched out into space. I think it happened, like, three other times.” He folded one leg up and hugged his knee to him. “The first couple of times, Red—the red lion came and saved me. I was with, you know, Voltron.”

He had an urge to call them his family, but it felt awkward saying that to his mother.

 _Mom._ He mulled that word over in his head. No, it didn’t feel right. Not yet. But maybe someday. Krolia was fine for now.

Keith continued, “And the last time…it was when I was with the blade. I had a tear in my suit and I was losing oxygen fast. I managed to get back onto the ship myself, and Kolivan laid into me right away.”

Krolia wasn’t responding or looking at him, but he could tell she was listening intently.

He took his time to get the words straight in his head. “I like to think I have thick skin.” He hoped the turn of phrase wasn’t lost on her. “That isn’t the problem. It’s just…being with Voltron, I felt so cared for, and I—” He stopped and swallowed over the lump forming in his throat. He wondered if the lack of oxygen left him more emotional than usual. He recalled Kolivan scolding him for letting his emotions cloud his judgement. Maybe he was always this emotional, and he just wouldn’t admit to it. He tried again to speak. “I really miss them. I want to see them again. I want you to meet them all.”

Krolia finally spoke, “Then let’s go see them. Contact Shiro or the princess.”

“Seriously?” Keith sat up straighter. “But, the blade…we can’t just….”

Krolia breathed out a small laugh. “I’m not exactly on good terms with them at this point anyways. It’s up to you, Keith, but I really would like to meet them if you want me to.”

 

 

 

 

_“I don’t feel like myself.”_

The words Shiro had uttered to Lance days ago echoed in his head again and again as he lay on his back on the common room floor. Maybe it meant nothing nothing, or perhaps it was a consequence of Shiro’s trauma. But that phrase kept coming back to him, haunting him, tormenting him, consuming his thoughts. Lance had immediately assured Shiro that it was because of a lack of oxygen or a lack of sleep, but those excuses sounded like blatant lies to his own ears.

Lance wanted to trust his instincts that somehow those words meant something deeply important, but he couldn’t help but doubt them. He wasn’t the type to act rashly and not think through things. No, that was Keith. Keith was the impulsive one. Keith was—

A voice cut through his thoughts and said, “Sleeping on the job, Lance?”

Lance pushed himself up from his slouched position on the couch and stretched his neck. “Okay, first of all, I’m not asleep,” he retorted. “Second, I don’t currently have a job to do, actually.” Lance turned his head to follow where the voice had come from. “Heck, it was Shiro who told me to—Keith?”

Lance’s eyes landed on that Blade of Marmora suit, that familiar, greasy mullet; and he promptly leapt to his feet and barreled across the common room towards Keith. “You’re here!” Lance exclaimed. He considered wrapping Keith in a bear hug, but decided against it at the last minute, not wanting the more reserved boy to dodge or push him away. Lance stepped back to smile at Keith. He studied the black, shaggy hair—it looked like it had grown a little—that fell across Keith’s face. Really, didn’t that bother him? Could he even see with his bangs so long? “You’re here,” he repeated. “For how long?”

Keith glanced to the right. “I don’t know. Maybe a couple days, maybe...I don’t know.”

“Well, whatever it is, it’s good to see you again.” Lance smiled again. “Have you seen the others already?”

“You really think I could sneak onto this ship undetected without being smited by Allura?”

“Touché. So you have seen them?” Lance wondered why they hadn’t called for him. Or maybe they had, and Lance really had been asleep. He glanced back at the imprint he had left on the couch. His neck _was_ a little sore. Well, whatever.

The corners of Keith’s mouth turned up. Keith hadn’t smiled much when he was last a part of team Voltron. Keith spoke, “Yeah, I met the others on the bridge. Why weren’t you there with them?”

Lance looked down, his smile faltering, and he stammered out something inaudible.

“You said Shiro told you to do something,” Keith prompted, trying to catch Lance’s eye again.

Lance’s eyes shifted around. “Basically, I had been joking around and stuff.”

“As usual.”

“Haha, thanks. What a helpful contribution,” Lance deadpanned, glaring at Keith.

Keith frowned back at him. “Okay, okay, go on.”

Lance folded his arms around himself. “So, we were talking strategy, and I commented that I didn’t think it would go too well—I don’t know. They thought I was still just messing around and acting dumb. And Shiro said that if I couldn’t take it seriously then I should leave. So I did.”

“Seriously?” Keith’s dark eyebrows furrowed in thought.

“Yeah, I mean, he’s been kind of snappy towards everyone. It’s not really like him, but…” Lance shuffled his feet. “Everyone’s been under a lot of stress with all that’s going on. And having Lotor around is a big adjustment.”

Keith’s face still held a look somewhere between irritation and confusion. “That isn’t an excuse, though. I can try to talk to him about it.”

Lance dragged a hand down his face and then held it out as if to stop Keith. “I—no, you don’t have to do that….”

“It’s fine, Lance. I’ve been worrying about him too. I won’t tell him that I talked to you about him,” Keith insisted.

“Alright.” Lance finally dropped his hands to his sides, relaxing. “Anyways, what’s more important is that you’re back! Was there any special occasion, or were you just missing my charming smile?” He flashed his pearly whites.

Keith rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t keep the corners of his mouth from turning up fondly. “Actually, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

“A blade member?”

“Sort of.”

 

 

 

 

That someone, Lance soon found out, was Keith’s mom.

 

 

 

 

The training they had planned that evening was called off in favor of giving everyone a chance to socialize with Keith and Krolia. Everyone save Lotor lounged around the common room to talk. The new emperor surely had more important matters to which to attend, Keith had heard Pidge mutter. Keith was slouched on one of the couches by Shiro.

His shock of white hair bounced as the black paladin spoke animatedly to Krolia and Allura. He had been apprehensive of her at first, but he warmed up to her quickly. Allura was more hesitant to trust her. She still had trouble feeling at ease around some Galra; Keith understood that.

Across the room, Hunk and Pidge sat next to each other, discussing something that Keith wasn’t sure was English. Lance was perched nearby, silent. Odd.

Keith was content to simply relax in the company of his friends. His family. How long had it been since Keith felt at all relaxed? It was nice. He had smiled at least a few times that day, more than he had in a considerable amount of time.

They all seemed so happy to have him back, as if perhaps they had all missed Keith as much as he missed them. He hoped they could tell how much he had missed them. Even if Shiro was acting weird, even if Lotor was here, these were still the people he’d come to care so much about. And he’d carried a conversation with Lance with no legitimate fighting. And he had his mom with him now. So, for just that moment, Keith let himself hope that he wasn’t as alone as he often thought he was.

But there was still a voice in the back of his head whispering doubts. Following everything that happened to Keith since he was a child, this had to be too good to be true.

If anyone else had noticed Lance sneak out of the room as the minutes stretched into hours, they didn’t mention it. Keith could have easily written it off as exhaustion. Everyone needed their sleep, right? Or maybe Lance just needed a moment to himself. Even the sunniest and most sociable of people need quiet time. If Hunk didn’t act worried about Lance, why should Keith?

Still, Keith couldn’t help but feel an inexplicable pull to track down his friend and confirm that he was okay.

When he found the chance, he mentioned to Shiro that he was getting tired and was heading to his room. Keith wasn’t one to tire easily, but the excuse was understandable coming from one who’d just recently found his missing mother.

Plus, everyone there knew that Keith didn’t classify as ‘the sunniest and most sociable of people’.

He wandered down the familiar halls and absently let his hand brush along the wall to his right. The castle of lions felt so homely to him, but walking down this hall, he felt a hint of nostalgia and even...melancholy. Everything felt slightly off, too big or too dull or too wrong. It didn’t quite fit. _Keith_ didn’t quite fit.

He recalled then that he’d told Shiro he was going to go to his room. Did he still have a room here? Or had they given it to Lotor, the new resident half-breed?

Keith shook his head, as if he could physically erase his thoughts. This was a huge castle, so they would have no reason to give away his room. Plus Keith had no right to call the bedroom his anymore. Where did his sense of hope from just a moment ago go to? Anyways, he hadn’t set out to find his room, he was looking for Lance.

Keith realized then that he had stopped in front of the door to the bridge. He must have subconsciously decided to walk there. He really was out of it, just walking instead of considering where to look to find Lance. Well, now that he was there, there was no harm in looking here first.

He entered the room, and there his objective sat.

Lance was bent over with his hands folded together, seemingly not noticing that he was no longer alone in the room. Keith pondered if he was praying. Was Lance religious? Keith realized how little he and Lance knew about each other’s lives

Keith was suddenly overcome with a sort of embarrassed and intrusive feeling; the setting felt intimate and vulnerable. And yet, above all that, it somehow felt comforting.

Then Lance looked up at the stars and unfolded his hands. Keith approached with soft steps. The Cuban boy had a serious expression, something Keith didn’t see often from him. He was hit with an anxious urge to leave the room as quietly as he’d entered, to forget his goal of talking to Lance, and to hide in his room like the loner he was. Somehow, though, Keith forced his mouth to form words and let Lance know of his presence.

“It’s a beautiful view from here.”

Lance started at the sound. He turned towards Keith, suddenly closed off and defensive. As their eyes met, Lance’s expression shifted from surprise to recognition and then to... anger? He turned away again, curling his arms around himself, and the moment passed so quickly that Keith wondered if he’d imagined that accusatory look.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Lance bristled at the sound of Keith’s voice.

Keith felt quite unwelcome, but for some reason he sat with Lance and continued to talk. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Lance replied, seeming to fold in on himself even farther.

“I just saw you leave and…” Keith paused to run his hand through his hair. “I thought something might be up.” He waited, but no response came. “It’s okay to not be okay, Lance. It’s okay to talk to someone about it.”

Lance sat up then and finally looked at Keith. “ _Seriously,_ dude, stop pushing! Maybe I’m not okay, but you’re, like, the last person I want to talk to.” His eyes narrowed at the end.

Keith physically backed away. “Excuse me?”

“I’m saying I don’t want to hear your gloating or whatever! So back off!”

Keith rose to his feet at that and took a few steps away. “Wait, Lance, I wasn’t—I was just—I was trying to—“

“Quiznak, Keith, can’t you take a hint? Are you _that_ socially inept? I don’t wanna hear it! Shut up!” Lance stood then as well. At his full height, it was clear that he was taller than Keith. Keith had never felt intimidated at the few inches Lance had on him, but at that moment Lance’s posture felt threatening. Keith tensed as Lance went on. “I already said you’re the last person I want to talk to! I miss my mom, okay? And my whole family back on Earth. That make you happy? Pidge found her brother and her dad, and now you have your mom right here, and it all hurts a little, okay?”

Keith stopped and exhaled for a second, trying and failing to force the tension out of his body. “You’re jealous of me?” It came out more accusatory than he had meant it to be, and Keith inwardly cursed his terrible people skills, but somehow he couldn’t stop himself at that. “Something finally happened in my favor, and you’re _mad_ at me for it?” Keith knew immediately that he was going too far, that Lance was hurting and needed an outlet, but he couldn’t stop himself.

Lance’s eyes narrowed. “Are you kidding me? Are you really implying that this is the first time something good has happened for you?” He took a few menacing steps towards the black-haired boy in front of him. “Jerk move, Keith. You had _everything_ back at the Galaxy Garrison. Everyone loved you!” He put on a mocking voice as he went on. “Keith, the best at everything he does. Keith, whose flunking out was the only reason an idiot like Lance could make it to fighter pilot class. Keith, Shiro’s right hand man, the future black paladin—“

Keith was fuming and cut him off. “Keith, whose mom and dad both left him at one point or another. Keith, who had finally found one person in the world who truly cared about him, only to have that person literally get abducted by aliens _twice_ . Keith, who then found out he _was_ one of those aliens.”

Lance looked a little horrified at that point, and Keith felt a sick sense of satisfaction. And like a single raindrop led to a flood, he couldn’t stop himself then.

“Keith, who lived alone in the dessert because he aged out of foster care and had _no one_ to turn to. Keith, who didn’t choose to be the loner of the team, didn’t choose to fly the black lion, didn’t choose to be your _rival_.” Suddenly Keith’s throat felt tight, and it took a lot of effort to keep his voice even as he stared Lance down. Even with all his focus, his voice emerged quieter than intended as he added, “I didn’t ask for any of this.”

There was a quiet moment then, and the air was dense and heavy between them. When Lance didn’t speak, Keith continued on, a little calmer at this point. “I didn’t come in here gloating about my mom. I didn’t mean to shove her in your face, but if I did, I’m really sorry. I know you miss your family. I came here to try to comfort you.” He swallowed thickly, his heart still beating fast from getting so worked up. “You know, because that’s what friends do. What family does.”

“This team is not my family.”

Lance answered so quickly and with such assurance that it floored Keith, and he gaped at Lance for a moment before finding the words to continue.

“But we’re at least friends, right? I mean, I thought we’d gotten closer. I thought you’d missed me when I was with the Blade of Marmora. We always had that friendly banter. I liked it. Teasing, like friends do. Sometimes it seemed like you got genuinely mad at me when I was just teasing, but we’re all under a lot of pressure, so it was reasonable.” Keith fire bubbling under his skin, and he presented one last thing for Lance to respond to: “I didn’t realize that you actually hate me.”

Keith had only meant for that to be a challenge, so he couldn’t see how Lance would react. But when the words left his lips, he couldn’t help but wonder…. For a second, Keith’s logical side told him that he had made a massive jump to an unreasonable conclusion. But Lance was silent; He didn’t deny it. _He didn’t deny it._ So Keith assumed he had hit the nail on the head.

He turned on his heels and passed through the doors quickly to track down that room he’d given so much thought to previously.

 

 

 

 

Keith must have blanked, because the next thing he knew he was running straight into Pidge. “Sorry,” he apologized reflexively, and moved around her to continue his trek to his room.  
He heard her call out to him, “Keith, you alright?” Then, a bit muffled, like she’d turned away, “Lance?”

Keith wondered absently if Lance had followed him out of the bridge, but somehow he didn’t care at that point. Regret was already pulsing in Keith’s veins. He should have just shut up and left when Lance told him to. Every time he tried to talk to someone about something very important or tried to share his feelings or tried to do anything but be quiet and avoid people, he would mess up. Not always this badly, though.

 _Why did I even open my mouth_ ….

He made it to his room then, barely registering that yes, they’d left it exactly how it was when Keith left to join the blades. That didn’t mean much, though. It was mostly empty.

Keith shed his red jacket and belt and dropped them to the floor. He slipped his dagger under his pillow, a habit he had taken to long before they had even left Earth. He sat upright on the bed

His throat still felt tight, so he tried to relax his muscles, stretching his back and arms. He tried something he hadn’t allowed in a long time; he assured himself that it was okay to cry if he needed to. He was by himself. No one would see.

But despite how his eyes burned and how emotion bubbled like lava deep in his chest, nothing came of it.

He collapsed onto the bed. Sleep came surprisingly quickly.


	3. Companionship

Sleep didn’t come quickly for Lance that night.

When Keith gave his little monologue, Lance had first been struck with the thought that he didn’t think he had ever heard Keith say so many words all at once.

Later, curled up on his bed, he was also struck with an incredible amount of guilt.

_I didn’t ask for any of this._

No, Lance knew that full well. Lance’s problems weren’t Keith’s liability. Lance could be petty sometimes. That had to be why Keith said—

_Sometimes it seemed like you got genuinely mad at me when I was just teasing._

Thinking back on it, he’d definitely taken his insecurities out on Keith before. But it wasn’t Keith’s fault. It wasn’t Keith’s fault. Keith was Lance’s friend.

_I didn’t realize that you actually hate me._

And being the idiot he was, Lance didn’t deny it. _He didn’t deny it._ No, he froze up and just stood there like an idiot. Somehow he forced himself to move after Keith stormed off, but he wasn’t able to catch up before Keith disappeared into his room. He couldn’t quite recall what he said to Pidge to explain what happened. Probably a dumb smile followed by a quip about Keith’s temper.

Lance turned onto his back, stretched his legs out, and pulled the covers up to his shoulders. He just needed to sleep now. Wallowing in guilt would fix nothing. He would apologize in the morning.

  


 

 

Keith woke up sweating, heart rate through the roof. He forced himself to steady his breathing. He looked down at his hands to see them shaking and proceeded to squeeze them together. The memories of his dream were quickly fading, and he briefly wondered what had gotten him so worked up. He resented this weak and vulnerable part of him that appeared when he was alone in the dark or when he woke up from a dream about his mindscape from the trials of Marmora. Or when Shiro was missing.

Keith shook his head as if he could physically clear his mind of apprehensive thoughts. Shiro was there on the castle ship. The kerberos mission was a million years ago. Shiro wasn’t going anywhere. Nothing was going to happen to Shiro.

He recalled, then, his brief conversation with Lance about Shiro.

_Oh._

_Lance._

The events of the previous night came back to him.

_Oh._

Suddenly he felt far too warm, and untangled himself from his sheets. He rubbed his hands into the back of his neck in a subconscious attempt to comfort himself. His room felt small and cramped, though he knew in every logical piece of him that it was the plenty big and plenty empty. There was the cropped jacket on the floor, the dagger hidden beneath his pillow. Keith slid the blade out from under the pillow and turned it in his hands. It used to always bring him comfort, this one piece of his past, this one thing that was his, that connected him to his mother. But in this moment he could only think of his argument with Lance.

He set the knife at his side and put his head in his hands, rubbing his temples to combat an oncoming headache.

Keith felt isolated from the other paladins enough as it was. Lance and Hunk and Pidge all knew each other from the Garrison, plus Keith was just genuinely bad at developing relationships. Despite the relief he’d felt at finding a part of himself when he found out he was part Galra, he couldn’t deny that it only put another wall between him and the others.

So his little revelation on how Lance viewed him shouldn’t have been a revelation at all. Maybe Keith should have seen it coming. Maybe those moments where they’d bonded were accentuated in his memories. Maybe he’d repressed the signs that Lance truly didn’t like him.

He thought of the time when they were all sat in the common room trying to decide what to do with their black paladin missing. Keith had said something to poke fun at Lance, and Lance retorted with a serious comment about how much he despised the idea of Keith as his leader.

 _Oh._ Maybe Keith had been in the wrong there. Maybe that was Keith’s fault.

Again, Keith shook his head. He insisted to himself that he was being rash, that he was too tired to think through this logically. He still felt overwhelmed and trapped, though.

_I need out of here._

  


 

 

_“You’re my mother?” His own words sounded incredulous to his ears._

_Krolia gave an unsure, almost sad smile and made as if to touch his shoulder. Keith jerked away before she could._

_“You can’t possibly expect to just—just walk back into my life now, even if you are telling the truth—“ Keith stumbled over his words as his thoughts raced around his head._

_“It is the truth, Keith. How else could I activate your blade?” She didn’t try to reach towards him again._

_Keith was trying and failing to even out his breathing. He did believe deep down that it was true, no matter how badly he wanted to deny it. “You’re seventeen years late,” he said, voice low and dangerous. He liked that. He liked when he had this steady, cold, dry, anger._

_“But I’m here with you now, Keith.”_

_Keith bristled at the sound of his name, of how comfortable and familiar it sounded in the voice of this unfamiliar stranger who was his mother. “You can’t expect to just walk back into my life now. You can’t expect a happy, teary-eyed, family reunion. That is so unfair to me.”_

_“Please listen to me, Keith. Even if just for a moment.” Krolia looked so broken as she spoke that Keith was hit with a wave of sympathy in spite of himself._

_But, no, he would not give in so easily._

_“How about_ you _listen to_ me _?” Keith said. “I’ve had so much trouble my whole life making friends or even just talking to people. I’m terrified of being vulnerable around anyone because they might leave me. Because if my own mom didn’t love me enough to stick around, why would anyone else ever care about me at all?” His dry anger he’d been so proud of faded away at that last sentence, and he felt suddenly and unbearably defenseless._

_“Don’t you dare tell me that I didn’t love you, Keith!” Krolia exclaimed with such force that Keith stepped back. “I abandoned my duties with the blade for so long to stay with you and your father as a foreign species among humans.”_

_Keith stayed silent as his brain worked overtime to process every word the woman before him said. He didn’t have any idea how much of what she said he could believe._

_“But the war was only getting worse, and the blade’s resources were getting thin. I had to go in order to keep the war away from Earth and to protect you. That was the only way to keep you safe.”_

_With the anger and adrenaline draining out of him, he felt like a child all over again. He hadn’t allowed himself to feel like that in a very long time._

_But, no, Keith did not cry._

_“I can’t help but think my life would’ve been better with my mother around, or if I’d at least known where you were,” he finally said._

_Krolia blinked. “How much did your father tell you?”_

_“Next to nothing.”_

_It was Krolia’s turn to think hard. “Did you even know that you weren’t fully human? Did he help you leave Earth? I figured at this age he would’ve thought you were old enough to know what happened.”_

_Keith stared at a scratch on the floor of the ship. “No, I didn’t, and no, he didn’t. I didn’t really know anything about the war and the Galra empire until after I ended up in space. And it doesn’t matter how old I am now. He... left years back.”_  
  
_“He—?” Krolia gave Keith and incredulous look, then shifted her gaze to give a spot on the wall an intimidating glare. She shook her head. “No matter. We’re both here now. And I feel terrible that I was never there for you. But you changed everything about my life.”_

 _“You changed everything about mine too,” Keith said, his tone biting and his face accusatory. Krolia winced, and Keith felt guilty again, dropping the angry_ ex _pression once again._

_“Not a day passed that I didn’t think of you, Keith. I’m so, so very proud of how strong and brave you’ve become._

_“And as I said, I’ll never leave you again.”_

  


 

 

“End training sequence.”

Keith swiped the back of his arm across his upper lip in an attempt to rid it of sweat. Then he dropped his arm back to his side and panted as he stood in the middle of the training deck.

He was thinking with more clarity after being awake for a couple hours. Wait, when had he woken up, again? He couldn’t quite remember. Exercising always cleared Keith’s head, but he still knew that training so early and for so long was idiotic, even for him.

Footsteps echoed in the mostly empty room, and Keith straightened and turned to see who it was.

Hunk waved to him.

Keith raised a hand in greeting. “Sorry, am I late to breakfast?”

Now that he had time to think things through, Keith knew he wasn’t alone. He had Hunk and all the others here at the castle. He had his mom now, even though he was still learning to open up to her. Maybe Shiro was acting weird, but he was still Shiro. Doubt flickered in Keith’s mind for a moment, but he pushed it away.

And who cares what Lance thinks, right?

_Right?_

“Breakfast is in an hour,” Hunk clarified as he leaned against the doorway. “I got up early ‘cause I thought I would whip up something special since your—since Krolia is here. Something other than food goo. How long have you been awake?”

Keith shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know.”

“You need your rest, man,” Hunk frowned.

Keith’s chest warmed at Hunk’s caring. “I did stretch and warm up beforehand,” he said truthfully.

“Still, you should take a break.”

Keith didn’t say anything; he couldn’t argue with that. And he was feeling a bit tired.

“Wanna help me out in the kitchen?” Hunk suggested, motioning towards the door.

Keith couldn’t help a small smile. “Sure thing, man.”

Keith couldn’t claim to be good at cooking, but he did enjoy Hunk’s company.

 

 

 

 

After eating, everyone crowded once again into the bridge, this time with Keith and Krolia. Lotor was hesitant to allow them in, not wanting to share too much with the blade members, but the others were quite convincing. Nonetheless, Pidge could tell Keith felt out of place. He kept eyeing both the red paladin chair and the spot at the head of the room where Shiro was now standing.

Lotor stood tall by Shiro with Allura at his right. “If we keep idling near the white hole, someone will find us and get suspicious,” he said. “I know this is last minute and unplanned, but I think one final trip to Oriande to gather information is necessary.”

Shiro nodded in approval as Lance folded his arms around himself, but he didn’t protest. In her peripheral Pidge saw Keith lean towards her as he whispered, “White hole?”

“I know! Cool, yeah? Even _I_ didn’t know they existed!” Pidge mused. She looked at Keith with a gleam in her eye.

Keith gave her a look. “...Yeah. You’ll have to catch me up on this all.”

“Eh, you’ll figure it out.”

Pidge tuned back in to Lotor. “Wonderful,” he was saying to Shiro. “The princess and I will be heading out now.”

Pidge glanced at Lance. He looked as though he was having a very hard time biting his tongue, but he stayed quiet.

Allura took Lotor’s arm, and the two exited the room.

Keith made a nonplussed face at Pidge.

A lot had changed.

  


 

 

Flying towards the giant, glowing, white hole in the sky left Allura no less awestruck than the first time she had done so, though she was significantly less terrified. In all honesty, she was excited to see Oriande again. The place was beautiful beyond description, even magical, and she adored being able to see more about her people. She’d even learned to enjoy Lotor’s company sometimes, even though he could still be off-putting and cold at other times.

She risked a glance at the prince turned emperor. Her eyes landed first on the glowing Altean markings atop his cheekbones, then on his expression. With his eyes narrowed, he seemed more concerned and thoughtful than anything else.

And then, suddenly, he stopped flying.

Allura startled and did the same, the abrupt halt jarring her. She turned her speeder at an angle to face Lotor. “What’s wrong?”

“I have a bad feeling.”

Allura knew that Lotor calculated everything he did and said, that he was not one to act on merely a feeling, so she trusted that he had thought over whatever was bothering him far more than he was letting on.

“What is it, Lotor?” Allura questioned cautiously. She eyed his face, trying to interpret what he was thinking. No matter how much she thought he was opening up to her, at times like this he was impossible to read.

“Is something wrong, princess? We can see that you stopped,” Coran worried over the comms.

Allura opened her mouth, but before she said anything, Lotor was staring at something in the distance. “Allura, look at that.”

Allura turned and discovered that “that” was in fact a Galra ship approaching on the other side of the white hole.

Fantastic.


	4. Stratagem

The plan was for Pidge and Hunk to sneak in on the cloaked green lion to turn off the ship’s defenses.

According to Pidge, the ship was of the variety that usually carried prisoners, so after a short argument on whether to take the risk of saving them, Lance had been assigned to take Keith in Red to also board the ship and find said prisoners.

Another short argument had ensued when Lotor insisted that he and Allura also board the ship, though he wouldn’t elaborate why. He curtly stated that he knew what he was doing, that they needed to extract information on whoever was attacking them, and that they didn’t have time to disagree. He eventually compromised to going by himself so that Allura could fly Blue and assist Shiro with the air support.

At that moment Lance was trying and failing to get a rise out of his passenger as they approached the ship looming ahead of them.

“Are you from Tennessee?”

Keith wouldn’t respond. Not to yell, not to tell Lance to shut his quiznak, not to give a serious answer because no, Keith was not from Tennessee, and Lance should know that already. Total silence.

Lance was going to go insane.

The new red paladin reached towards the controls on his lion and muted the comms. “Can we talk, man? We need to talk.”

“No. Not now. Focus on the mission.”

That was several more words than Lance had been expecting, but he still sighed as he reached forwards to open the communication link from his lion to others once again.

He paused with his hand hovering over the button. “I don’t hate you, okay?”

“Mhm,” Keith hummed his agreement sarcastically. He wasn’t going to believe him, at least not now. Lance pressed the button.

Keith was right, it wasn’t a good time to talk, and they did need to focus on the mission.

Battles didn’t wait for misunderstandings and apologies.

Though Lance couldn’t see Keith’s face, his voice had sounded cool, stony, smooth. It was all wrong.

When Keith was mad, he was all sharp, scorching edges. He was pointed glares, sharp words, biting burns, furious flames. He was passionate yelling and clenched fists. Keith was fire. He was supposed to be fire.

Even though Keith was said to be the serious one of the group, he really did wear his heart on his sleeve. Anyone could look at him and tell exactly what he was feeling, even though he always insisted he was okay. Lance especially prided himself on his empathic abilities.

But right now, Lance was at a loss.

Right now, Keith was closed off, arguably even more so than when they first flew out into space a million years ago. Lance couldn’t tell what he was thinking, if he was angry or upset or hurt or all of the above. Lance always knew exactly what to say to comfort his friends, to fix a wound to the heart. Except for right now.

Right now, Keith was ice.

 

 

 

 

“The yellow and green paladins will be heading there,” Haggar had said to her, pointing out the spot on the map. “Stop them.” Then the witch had grumbled something about not paying enough attention before approaching the white glowing thing as well as not catching where Lotor would be.

She had really mastered the art of sneaking around, really. Quiet feet, quiet breathes, climbing along walls; the whole ordeal. It also helped that she could turn invisible. It might be disconcerting to some if they were to turn invisible, but when one was born with such power, it was only normal.

That didn’t mean it wasn’t useful, though.

She caught sight of the big one in yellow down on the ground. He was speaking, telling someone who wasn’t physically there to be cautious, making sure his teammates had made it safely onto the ship. She smiled. They would not be safe for long. She had the higher ground, literally and figuratively.

She glanced to the doorway on the other side of the room. That was where the others would come through when she gave the signal. She had no real way to know if they were there, but she trusted her team to be on time.

She looked back at the members of Voltron. The small one was hunched over the computer sitting in the middle of the room. The yellow paladin stood at attention, prepared for any enemy to appear. After a moment, he lowered his gun a bit, turned to the green paladin, and began, “You haven’t finished, right? Like, you literally just started, right? Isn’t it weird that there’s nothing attacking us?”  
  
_Now_.

“Wait, Hunk, I don’t think this ship—“

Ezor materialized in the air above the yellow paladin, coming down fast and knocking him off his feet. “Boo!”

Simultaneously, Acxa and Zethrid came through the door, guns blazing, as if in sync with Ezor.

The yellow paladin cried out in surprise, while the green one seemed more irritated than surprised. “How is it that you guys always seem to be one step ahead of us?” She asked as her weapon appeared at her side.

Ezor stepped off of the one in yellow and smirked. “Funny how that works, isn’t it?”

And she flipped out of the way of the green one’s weapon.

 

 

 

 

“Everything alright over there, Pidge? Hunk?” Shiro’s voice crackled in Keith’s ear. He glanced at Lance, who had just taken out the final robot in the room. Keith nodded his head towards the exit to prompt Lance to follow him out. The two headed forward. They had yet to find anything of interest, but Keith’s instincts told him they were drawing closer to… to something.

His suspicions were confirmed as he spotted a certain Galra across the new room, watching something out of his view. He physically pushed Lance back out of the doorway. “The witch is in there. Her powers are insane; we should alert the others first,” he breathed as silently as possible.

Lance opened his mouth, but Haggar spoke first, her voice echoing ominously. “I know you’re there, paladin.” Keith’s back was still to the room. He stared Lance down, willing him to stay out of that room, out of sight. They would need someone to tell the others.

Keith turned and entered the room.

“Oh, it isn’t a paladin? Or is it? Are you alone?”

Keith scanned the room before glaring at the witch. “How is it that you guys always seem to be one step ahead of us?” he muttered, mostly to himself. But Haggar must have heard because she smiled.

“Quite funny how that works, is it not?”

Keith drew his blade.

“Child, should we not talk through this in a civil manner?”

Keith activated the blade.

“Simply tell me where Lotor is, and you will not be hurt.”

Keith charged.

He didn’t get the chance to land a hit on her, as immediately he had to dodge a magic attack. He rolled and stood again, and all of a sudden he was surrounded by what seemed to be a million Haggars.

A million of that witch. The definition of a nightmare.

He forced his breathing to steady as he dodged another attack and glanced between each Haggar. Which could be the real one?

On an exhale, he made eye contact with one of them.

That was the one.

He charged again as the copies disappeared into the air, but Haggar moved out of the way easily. Their arms brushed against each other. He turned to attack again, but found himself frozen in place, unable to move, like an invisible, icy hand had a death grip on him.

Yeah, seriously a nightmare.

 

 

 

 

Lance murmured into the comms, telling Coran of the situation. Coran assured him immediately that help was already on the way, whatever that meant.

Also, between yelps and other various fighting noises, Pidge informed him that the ship didn’t carry prisoners, which would have been wonderful to know before they waltzed in and found the witch.

He turned his attention back to the fight going on between Haggar and Keith. He’d assumed Keith could handle himself for those few moments, but when he looked, Keith appeared to have been rendered unable to move.

_Great._

“You already know what I will ask,” Haggar said coolly.

Keith quipped, “Why don’t you remind me?”

“Tell me where my son is.”

Keith sputtered, mirroring Lance’s thoughts. “Your—? Lotor is—?”

Was Haggar Lotor’s mother? Had Honerva actually been corrupted just like Zarkon? Lance was briefly pleased that he had another piece of evidence towards his suspicions about quintessence and take that, Shiro, and he was struck with guilt over the improper timing of his pride.

Lance’s train of thought came to a stop when Keith’s body tensed up in pain. Lance saw Keith’s eyes screw closed and his muscles go taut, and in a fit of anger, Lance took two steps into the room. However, Haggar stopped him in his tracks as she said, “Paladin, I already know you are there. Your companion here is not actually being injured, and if you stay back, it will remain that way. Though, if you would like me to stop altogether, you would tell me where Lotor is.”

Lance looked back at Keith, who opened one eye to meet Lance’s gaze and shook his head, insisting that Lance not tell Haggar. Lance did, however, have several other choice words he fancied saying to the witch.

Then Keith’s eye shut again as his body convulsed, doing so in a weird way as if something was holding him in place at the same time. Lance felt as though a hand had grabbed at his insides and twisted, like it was Lance being hurt and not Keith.

Keith still didn’t cry out, though. Lance knew Keith wouldn’t easily give Haggar that satisfaction. Haggar seemed to understand that as well, and she must have finally let up, because Keith relaxed a bit.

Lance let out a relieved breath, but quickly realized that he shouldn’t yet be too pleased. Haggar waved a hand, with those long, sharp nails and bony fingers, and Keith promptly fell to the ground, unconscious.

 

 

 

 

Haggar was on this ship; Lotor knew it.

Not that he had inside information on the matter, per se. But who else would have wanted to find Oriande? The single plausible answer was Zarkon’s witch, the only living Altean aside from Allura, Coran, and himself, as far as Lotor was aware.

Plus, Hunk and Pidge did say that his ex-generals were there, which was a good sign of Haggar’s presence.

The emperor walked briskly down the hallway with his hands at his sides. He didn’t recognize the ship exactly, so he wasn’t sure where to go to track down the witch. That ‘inside information’ would be quite helpful at that moment.

Speaking of inside information, how did Haggar find Oriande? Lotor has spent so long searching for it, and he still only tracked it down with Allura’s help.

Did Haggar have a tracker on them? That still didn’t explain how did Acxa and the others knew precisely where Hunk and Pidge were.

A single name came to Lotor’s mind that stopped him in his tracks.

Narti.

Lotor knew Haggar could infect the minds of those she came in contact with. That was how she knew his location all that time ago; She’d watched him through Narti.

And the last member of the team to have been around Haggar was likely—

Several voices were speaking over the comms, Lotor realized. Lance’s stood out: “Coran, that back up you were talking about would be really helpful at the moment. Keith’s kinda…. Haggar’s asking for Lotor’s location.”

“They’re on the way,” Coran answered. “Lotor, you should probably get back out here. Whatever she wants you for can’t be good.”

Lotor felt his eyebrows furrow, but he didn’t resume walking yet.

Allura spoke, “That would be helpful. Shiro and I are a bit overwhelmed at the present.”

Lance’s cry of “Quiznak!” overlapped the end of her sentence.

The witch could wait, Lotor decided, and he turned to head back to his pod.


	5. Reminiscent

Keith stood in that shack that couldn’t actually pass for a house, the one out in the desert, his father poised at the other side of the room.

“Dad?”

His father turned and smiled at him, that familiar smile he’d grown up seeing. Keith glanced around the room. Dust settled on the couch to his left. A couple old books sat in the corner, untouched. It felt like he hadn’t been here in a long time. Like he hadn’t been on _Earth_ in a long time. Had he?

Keith knew his father was speaking, but his mind felt fuzzy and he couldn’t process the words. He looked out the window and noticed for the first time that a storm was ravaging the desert outside.

Finally, his father’s voice filtered through the buzzing in Keith’s head. “Your mother is coming. She’ll explain--”

Keith was hit with clarity, like a fog had suddenly lifted.

“Oh, I get it.”

This was the exact same scene he had been faced with in the Trials of Marmora.

Keith’s father looked confused, and opened his mouth to speak, but Keith cut him off again with a hint of a smile.

“Bad choice, witch. I’ve already come to terms with this one. Plus I’m not scared of him.”

Haggar must have heard him and recognized her mistake, because the world around Keith fell away to nothingness once again.

 

 

 

 

_I have to remember this isn’t real._

_I have to remember._

_I have_

_I have to_

 

 

 

Keith stuffed a bite of food goo into his mouth. He was sitting in the kitchen alone, so he must have been running late. He was hungry, though, so he kept eating.

He glanced up at the clock as he took another bite. Had there always been a clock there? The clock told him he definitely was running late, very late, and he needed to get to bridge quickly or Allura would get mad.

As he rushed from the room and headed towards his destination, something inside him said that Allura would be mad anyways. Everyone would be. Why was that, again? There was some reason.

He was stepping into the room, then, apologizing for whatever it was, but he was too late, much too late. He knew he was too late because he was met with glares from each person on his team. His team? Not his team? Was he on this team or not? He couldn’t remember.

As he pressed back into his memory, he was met with a sharp headache. Okay, that could wait.

Actually, Keith realized, one person from the team was missing, and finally he found his voice again. “Where’s Shiro?”

“Don’t act stupid,” Pidge said curtly, complimented by a sharp, angry stare.

“He can’t help it, Pidge. He _is_ stupid,” Lance tacked on. Before Keith could respond, someone else was speaking.

“How many times must you disappoint us?” That was from Coran.

“You are putting all of us—you are putting the universe in danger!” And that from Allura.

Something about the way they were all positioned around the room staring at him in disappointment gave him a sense of deja vu. However, he couldn’t put his finger on it as their words echoed in his mind, feeling like a hot knife through his heart.

He had to swallow and take a deep breath to regain some sort of control over his words. Looking to the ground, he said, “I didn’t mean to let you down.”

“It’s a bit late for that,” Hunk said, his words cold and callous and so unlike Hunk that Keith was startled into looking back up.

The knife in his chest twisted, and he continued on fervently, “Not you too, Hunk. Please, listen to me, I—“

“I don’t wanna hear it! Shut up!” Lance replied, emotion boiling behind his words. Keith once again felt that sense of deja vu as Lance approached him quickly, like Lance had spoken those exact words before. Something was wrong, something was off….

_I have to_

Lance was right in front of him now, poking a finger at Keith’s chest. “You’ve already made your choice. You don’t belong here, and you know it.” Lance’s eyes were fiery, angry, powerful, and the pain in Keith’s chest increased.

“Please, Lance.” Keith’s voice cracked over the lump in his throat as he spoke.

_I have_

“You aren’t a part of us anymore, _remember?_ ”

_I have to remember._

Keith was suddenly hit with a pounding headache. He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his hands to his temples.

He had to remember what? That he wasn’t a part of this team? That they all hated him, especially Lance?

Oh, that’s right. Keith was supposed to remember to meet Krolia in the hangar. That must be it.

Keith turned on his heel and fled the room. No one tried to stop him. No one followed.

If he had been paying attention, Keith may have noted that the trip to the hangar seemed to take almost no time at all. The only thing Keith was focused on, however, was tracking Krolia down. Upon entering the room, Keith immediately spotted his mother and walked up to her, all the while trying to recall why Krolia needed to speak to him on such short notice.

At the sound of his footsteps, Krolia glanced up from some sort of device and prompted, “So you have decided?”

Keith’s eyebrows furrowed. Why were there so many missing pieces to his memory? “Decided…?”

“To leave your team and come with me.” There was a finality in her words that unsettled Keith.

“Leave…. I mean, we have to go back to the blades sometime, right?” Keith folded his arms across his midsection. “But this team will always be…there for me.” His voice quieted with uncertainty as he finished the thought, recollecting the conversation he had just had with the paladins.

Krolia huffed. “Keith, you can’t keep floating in this in-between place, wanting to be a blade and wanting to be a paladin. This longing will tear you apart. Make your choice.”

“You are my family, Krolia, but...they are too. That won’t ever change.”

Since when was Keith so self-destructive and idiotic that he longed to be with people who didn’t want him back? Maybe he should just go with Krolia anyways. He didn’t fit into team Voltron; he realized that now. He would be a much larger help to the universe if he was with the Blade of Marmora.

“Either you leave them, or I leave you, Keith,” Krolia stated. That ultimatum hit Keith like a ton of bricks. Of course. If his mother left him for eighteen years before, why wouldn’t she do so again?

_“I left you once. I’ll never leave you again,”_ Krolia had said to him twice prior, and those words rang with such a different tone from the Krolia standing before him now.

It was Keith’s lack of self control that got him kicked out of the Galaxy Garrison. But it was also his quick thinking that allowed him to accomplish what might have been his only success when he flew the black lion against Lotor. It was his recklessness that got him so hurt in the Trials of Marmora, but that also allowed him to discover something core to his very being. Not every decision Keith made was a good one; in fact, it was quite the opposite. Even so, Keith had built his life on rash choices. His instincts, intuition, and impulses formed who he was and brought him to where he was today.

But right now, he didn’t know what his instincts were telling him.

Every fibre in his being screamed inside of him that he couldn’t, could, shouldn’t, should trust Krolia. He should leave her, stay, leave Voltron, go. He felt like he was being torn apart at the seams.

Keith pushed people away before they could hurt him first. That was how he functioned, how he survived. His core belief system centered around shutting people out so he couldn’t feel pain when they left him.

If his own mother left him, anyone would.

But, no, he’d had this conversation before. With Krolia herself, at that. And above every voice screaming in his head, one rang clear. She had said she would never leave him. Maybe that had been a lie, maybe she meant it when she said just now that she would leave him in a heartbeat.

But maybe not.

And in the moment, Keith settled on a choice that turned something over in his heart, opened him up, made him vulnerable.

He chose to trust.

“Krolia, you told me before that you wouldn’t leave me.”

_I have to remember._

“This…this isn’t real.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost at the end! Thank you for the support you all have shown me! This has been collecting dust for many months because I revised it for so long that I was very hesitant and nervous to put in the final touches and label it complete. It's certainly far from perfect, especially considering most of it was not written recently, but I put a lot of love into writing this. Ah, now I'm acting as though this is some work with 100k words that was posted over the span of years, and I'm rambling as well....
> 
> I cannot express in words the gratitude I feel that anyone would support a work that I love so dearly! Thank you!


	6. Homecoming Revisited

Keith came to suddenly. His whole body ached with remnants of the pain Haggar had subjected him to. Fuzzily, Keith thought to himself that it felt a lot like the druid’s magic had.

Keith realized he had a headache only when the loud voice in the room gradually filtered into his mind, at first just bits and pieces of a whole sentence. “What… quiznak… doing to him?”

“Silence.” Keith looked up to see Haggar staring at him. That witch seriously had a creepy stare. Lance was off to the side, apparently not realizing that Keith was conscious again. It seemed that at some point Haggar had frozen Lance in place as well. Keith pushed himself up onto one knee, pleased to find that he was able to move normally again.

“I’d rather not be silent, thank you! Now wake him back up or whatever, and—Keith!” And there was the realization.

“How did you manage to—?” Haggar cut herself off and instead let out a deep, frustrated growl. “One of you tell me where Lotor and the princess are or—”

And then Matt dropped from the sky.

 

 

 

  
  
Coran had probably been the one to call in the rebels, based on what Keith could pick out from Lance’s neverending rambling, so Matt’s appearance was less of an unbelievable miracle than Keith had thought, though the timing was still impeccable.

Keith was sitting behind Lance’s pilot chair in Red’s cockpit, leaning his head back against the wall. Lance inquired what Haggar had done to Keith when he passed out, but Keith had resumed giving him the silent treatment. It was immature, he knew, but he was too tired to care.

When Lance was finally lulled into silence as well, Keith’s headache was grateful for the quiet.

He rubbed his hands against the floor absentmindedly. He could still feel Red’s presence, warming him, calming him, but it was different than it used to be. He used to think with certainty that the red lion was his home, that being the red paladin was his one fixed role in life.

Oh, how things changed.

Despite his being able to break out of Haggar’s illusion, the things she had showed him still stung him. Her ability to get into his mind and discover his fears and insecurities was more terrifying than he cared to admit. A new, aching empathy for Shiro and his time in the hands of the Galra empire smarted in Keith’s heart.

Keith decided he no longer felt like dwelling on what happened in the hallucination and let his mind drift to those moments after the battle.

Haggar being chased away, Allura and Shiro’s voices talking about something probably important in his ear, the rebels heading back to their ships: everything in his memory was a little blurry. Lance had come to his side, put an arm around him, tried to help him up. Keith had leaned against Lance as he tried to find his balance. Lance had quipped something quietly before lamenting that they needed to get out fast and leading him in the direction of the red lion.

What was it he had said? 

“Now who’s cradling who?”

Oh, that  _ quiznaking _ —

 

 

 

 

Lance had promised himself that he would apologize to Keith today, and Lance wasn’t one to break his promises, so he was feeling impatient as everyone met back up on the bridge.

Pidge squeezed him quickly before hunting her brother down, and Hunk gave him a bear hug that Lance feared might fracture a rib or two.

Lance tracked Hunk as he crossed the room to greet Matt as well. He let his gaze wander, then, and saw Keith reaching up to hug Krolia. Aside from the group hug the team had once, Lance could only count one other person hugging Keith, and that was Shiro. 

Keith pulled away to say something. Krolia’s face lit up like the sun, and she squeezed him again, more fervently this time. Lance looked away. He couldn’t bring himself to interrupt the family bonding moment; he could wait for a minute longer.

He looked around in time to see Lotor leaning over and whispering something to Allura. Allura’s expression quickly turned from cheerful to concerned, and the two left the room in a hurry. Lance couldn’t keep his own face from scrunching up in concern, but believe it or not, he knew when not to meddle.

Finally, as Lance’s patience reaches its end, Krolia moved to speak to Shiro, and Keith was left standing alone. Lance’s armored boots clacked against the ground, and he took hold of Keith’s arm.

“You and I are having a talk, okay?”

Keith was either shocked into silence or extremely loyal to giving Lance the silent treatment. Either way, Lance didn’t wait for an answer before dragging Keith out of the room.

“Ooh _ ,  _ someone’s in  _ trouble _ ,” Pidge crowed childishly after them.

 

 

 

  
  
Keith finally shook himself out of his stupor when Lance had pulled him a significant distance down some hallway and he felt as though his shoulder was about to be dislocated. 

He tugged his arm from Lance’s grip and stopped walking. “What in the world was that for?  Couldn’t you have just, I don’t know, asked me to come with you?”

“You weren’t even speaking to me. Would you have come with me if I asked?”

Keith rubbed at his shoulder. Well, Lance had a fair point. The answer was no, but he chose not to say anything.

“Okay, then, I’ll cut to the chase.” Lance pointedly looked Keith in the eyes. “Of course we’re friends, of course I missed you, and of course I don’t hate you!”

For the umpteenth time in the past day, Keith found himself too stunned for words, but he recovered quickly and averted his eyes. “You don’t have to—I mean, I’ll act like normal in front of the others. I’ll keep talking to you. You don’t have to worry about that.”

Lance sounded offended at Keith’s skeptical tone. “What are you talking about? I don’t have to what?”

Keith focused on a point on the ground and felt an sheepish smile crossing his face, although he felt anything but happy. “You don’t have to lie to me about this.”

“Lie?” Keith risked a glance and saw that Lance was glaring now. “I’m not a liar! Do not call me a liar, man.”

Beginning to regain his usual, confident anger, Keith squinted his eyes at Lance incredulously.

Lance’s voice rose in both pitch and volume. “Honestly, Keith! You’re being… you’re being intransigent!”

Keith placed his hands on his hips. “Oh, you’re pulling some fancy SAT words on me, smart one,” he retorted, letting sarcasm drip into his words.

“Bet you don’t even know what it means!” Lance exclaimed, voice bordering on a yell now.

“Yeah, right. Between the two of us, you’re clearly the idiot.”

Lance was definitely yelling now. “You wish!” A pause, and then, at the same loud volume: “Why are we still arguing? I was trying to be nice!”

“Right, I couldn’t possibly know what it’s like to end up in an argument when I’m trying to be being nice.” Keith glared at Lance and didn’t allow himself to falter even as Lance looked stung. He crossed his arms and turned as if he was about to leave, shaking his head. “Seriously.”

Lance recovered enough to call out before Keith turned away fully. “You said you liked our friendly banter!”

Keith stopped and squeezed his eyes shut. “Yeah, ‘cause I thought that’s, like, what brothers do! Not that I would know anything about having siblings, apparently. According to you, this team isn’t a family after all!” he snapped. And… ouch. He hadn’t meant to hurt himself.

Keith took a painful look at Lance. It felt as though hours of silence passed before Lance finally spoke. “I lied when I said that.”

“You said you aren’t a liar.”

“Well, maybe I was that time!” Lance snapped, stepping forward with his arms out combatively.

Keith leaned farther away on instinct. He expected a furious, frustrated look on Lance’s face, the usual expression he wore when talking to Keith. But Lance was wearing an apologetic, worried, comforting look. This was not the first time Keith had seen Lance like that. He knew deep down that Lance wasn’t truly the angry person Keith had chalked him up to be since their argument. But he remained turned to the side, closing himself off.

“You lied when you said that you couldn’t remember us having a bonding moment. You know, after we defeated Sendak forever ago.” Keith was being petty, he knew that, but he couldn’t stop himself. 

Then Lance’s arms moved back to his sides, and he leaned away to a more comfortable distance. This time he seemed earnestly confused. “What? No, I didn’t lie. I barely remember anything from that night. Concussion did a number on me.”

“I heard you earlier; you said something about cradling.”

Lance’s eyes lit up with recognition, and his lips quirked up just slightly. “Oh, I was teasing you because it sounded really dorky when you said you ‘cradled me in your arms’. I was just repeating your wording.”

And Keith knew Lance was being honest, which eased his frustration, but he almost wished Lance  _ had _ been lying about forgetting. Maybe he didn’t even mean it when—“Right before you passed out again that night, you said that we make a good team.”

“Well, I was right.” Lance’s response was immediate.

Keith looked sideways at Lance once again, trying to convey everything he was feeling in one expression—exasperated, uncomfortable, pleading, hurt. Lance’s hint of a smile disappeared.

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Keith. I don’t know what to do to help you believe me, but….” He swallowed. “We are a family. Of course we are. I was hurting because I missed my mom and my… my Earth family, and I lashed out at you. But that’s not an excuse; I know that. There is no excuse. So I’m sorry. And I don’t hate you. You were right. I was jealous.”

Lance was grasping at straws for something more to say. Keith could tell by the short, clipped sentences he was sputtering. He inhaled deeply and turned to face Lance again. He didn’t yet unfold his arms from around him.

“I’ve been jealous of you, too.”

Lance’s eyebrows shot up, and he looked a moment away from falling over. In an uncharacteristically quiet voice, he asked, “Why would you be jealous of… me?

Keith glanced to the right, a little flustered by the question. “You’re so good with people. You charm everyone. You can make friends in a split second. You were right when you called me socially inept.”

Lance finally smiled again, and it was a contagious thing. “I thought you found my charming personality annoying. And you aren’t that bad, Keith.”

“Uh, I’m pretty bad.” Despite his smile, Keith felt doubtful.

“No, seriously, give yourself some credit! You’re really kind and encouraging to everyone on the team. And we’re friends. And you have the rest of the team, too. Shiro would probably, like, kill everyone if you asked him.”

“I wouldn’t ask him to do that!”

“A hyperbole, Keith.”

Keith huffed. “Like I said, I’m not great socially.”

And then, miraculously, Keith felt himself laugh. Actually laugh. And Lance did, too. It was refreshing to laugh so openly with someone. 

The moment passed blissfully, and Keith sobered, working himself up to share something that had been on his mind.

“Hey, Lance….” He fidgeted and second-guessed himself. Even if he and Lance were cool now, that didn’t mean Lance wanted to hear about his problems.

“Yeah?”

Keith took a deep breath. No, Lance said they were friends. Keith could do this. He began, “Back there, you said I had everything, that everyone loved me, but…” Keith shook his head firmly. “But it wasn’t like that. Sure, some people admired me for my flying skills; some thought I was super cool and detached.” He scuffed his shoe against the ground. “But some got mad at me for my scores on the flying simulator or whatever. Some thought I was just the weird, quiet kid. I mean, I was that kid, honestly. I… can be annoying. Not fun to be around. That doesn’t make for a great friend, I know.”

“Hey.” Lance grabbed Keith by the shoulders and searched Keith’s eyes with urgency. “Untrue. You’re an amazing friend. Got it?”

Keith let out a startled, breathy laugh.

Lance’s grip held true. “I said, got it?” 

“Got it. Thank you, Lance.”

“Of course. That’s what… what family does.”

Keith couldn’t help the lump that formed in his throat, and he found himself smiling again. “I think… I think a lot of my people problems stem from trust issues… which all stem from Mom leaving me.”

Lance’s arms fell to his sides, and his smile fell with them. 

“But now I get why she had to leave Earth, and either way, she’s here now.” He rubbed his thumb over his knuckles. “And now I feel like I’m allowed to… to hope. Or like I can try to trust people. I mean, at my own pace. It’s comforting and terrifying at the same time, like it’s too good to be true. For a little while it was, since I thought you hated me.”

Lance winced.

Keith was quick to correct himself. “No, that’s not—It’s fine now, that’s not my point….” Keith thought for a moment, and his voice came out shaky as he added, “I finally feel like… like in the end, I won’t always end up  _ alone _ .”

“Oh, no, you’ll make me cry,” Lance whined.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that.”—Lance huffed at that, as if Keith said something unbelievable—“I really do like to have spend time by myself, by the way. I’m not trying to be emo or whatever when I sit alone in my room. I’m definitely an introvert. I just like to know that I have people to turn to when I need it.”

Then Keith blinked, and several tears fell from his eyes at once. He reached up to touch them. “Oh, that’s weird. I feel happy. And I don’t cry.”

“Funny thing to say when you are literally crying.”

Keith was genuinely confused, and his eyebrows pinched together. “But my voice isn’t shaky, and I’m not upset. I’m  _ happy _ ,” he said, the last word coming out ironically angry.

“Awww, Keith, c’mere,” Lance cooed, and Keith was flustered all over again as Lance hugged him with a surprising gentleness.

Keith wanted to say that he didn’t need comforting, but he realized that a hug didn’t sound so bad at the moment, so he pressed his forehead to Lance’s shoulder.

They stood there for a moment, simply in each other’s company, when Keith realized Lance was sniffling. “You’re crying, too,” He commented. 

“Yes—No… yes,” Lance stuttered in response. 

“It wasn’t a question.” Keith let out a laugh that was muffled against Lance’s armor and finally returned Lance’s hug. 

A lot of things had changed throughout Keith’s eighteen years. Shiro disappeared and reappeared again and again. He didn’t always have real friends, but now he had a solid group. He didn’t know his mom before, but now he did. He used to think Lance’s hated him, but now he was clinging to him like his life depended on it. 

He didn’t always have trust and hope, but maybe he could now, little by little.

Maybe lots of change isn’t always a good thing. But right now, Keith thought, it was okay.

Keith would be okay.


End file.
